I finally gathered the strength to watch the first season of 13 Reasons Why. I expected to be sad, but what I did not expect was how it would mess with my mind. I could relate to the bullied and the bullying. It’s never just black and white. I struggle with “friends” who seem to only really truly be there when it suits them. To ignore me when that suits them more. I also have had friends who are there always, without question, more of a sisterhood. Friends who have been in my life for over 30 years and I know if I said “hey, I need you” they would be there in an instant and they are even there in the mundane. Maybe I’m too harsh on the other friends that I wonder if I should even call them that. Maybe they are just trying to deal with their own issues. But see, that’s the thing, we never know what someone is dealing with. It may seem like they are fine on the outside, but maybe they are crumbling on the inside. And why is it so damn hard to put out a cry for help?! Maybe because of the fear of being judged or that people will roll their eyes at your “drama.” My mind is on overdrive.
I carefully crafted the below Facebook post. As if people read novels on Facebook - of course it got little interaction, but it’s what's been on my mind. I wonder what it would be like to set up a routine time and place to show up. To just be there for whoever wants to join and wants to have a friend. Like dinner every Thursday at the local pub and whoever wants to join can. We see these kids doing friendship benches, so something like that just the adult version. To let people know they are not alone in life, but then, what if I’m alone? What if no one ever comes? I’m not sure if I could handle that or not. So I am sorry for this darker than normal post (although what’s really normal - I haven’t posted in 5 years). I figured this was a good forum to get it all out without much fanfare.
Here’s what was on my heart, that went mostly unseen.
I’m an over thinker. No surprise there. But, what’s been weighing on my mind lately is this weird sort of dichotomy in life. And please don’t get me wrong, I’m on both sides of it in both the giving and receiving ends (of both the good and the bad). I just know I want to be uplifting and also less caring. Weird, I know, but less caring of what others think and less in need of others’ approval.
So there’s this weird thing we do, many of us do, I guess it’s a part of human nature, but sometimes the closer we are to people the quicker we are to tear them down. I think it’s easier to look at, let’s say, a famous person or athlete or public figure, and admire what they do, the skills they have, and the material things they acquire. We want to “be like them” and have what they have and we don’t necessarily begrudge them. But, when someone we know succeeds it’s so easy to fall into wanting to compare ourselves to them: why not me? why can’t I have that? my kid’s just as good if not better than yours! And on and on... Yup, been there. Done that.
Here’s a novel idea though: let’s truly be happy for people. Let’s lift them up and celebrate them! Whether it’s your best friend or your Facebook acquaintance. Truth of the matter is, we don’t know what people go through, so it is good and gracious to celebrate the victories no matter how seemingly big or small.
I’m so guilty of the comparison trap. “That’s great for them, but what about me?!” Sometimes I need a good long reality check...
On the other side of this dichotomy though is the struggles. We all have struggles. Unless “they” are truly endangering themselves or others, stop being so freaking judgy. We are all just trying to do what’s best and get through this thing called life. Sometimes just getting up and showing up is all we can handle for the day and you know what, we are awesome for doing just that. Empathy. Seek first to understand, then be understood. Just because a choice isn’t right for ourself, doesn’t mean it isn’t right for someone else. And guess what? Mistakes will be made. That’s how we learn, that’s how we grow, that’s how we teach. It’s so hard to stop worrying about what people will think with some of the decisions we make. We have to stop caring so much and also start caring more. Stop caring what people think and start caring more for people.
Being a parent has a funny way of bringing out all these extremes. I push my kids and expect nothing but the best from them and their own personal abilities. I also fail them everyday with my own shortcomings. They are very different children with very different needs. They are perfectly imperfect and amazing human beings. I am not in denial about their shortcomings either, but I am their biggest supporter. I will cheerlead them on even when it annoys the heck out of others. I will care enough to not care. I will also try hard to care enough about others. About their successes and their struggles and their children’s successes and struggles. It’s time love, empathy, happiness, and joy take center stage and the knowledge to know when not to care as well. ❤️
